o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
