New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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