apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
