Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize