To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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