I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
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Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
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Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.