True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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