my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
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Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
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He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.