First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future