I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I AM VODKA MAN
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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