from now on my penis is your penis
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."