So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
