i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and she was petting her beer can
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.