he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
