you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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