Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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