I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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