Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
