you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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