I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Randomize
