Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
