The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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