Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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