She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
