I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
