just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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