I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
