just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
