"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
