I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
