After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
