dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
