I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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