We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
