Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Randomize
