I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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