Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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