Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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