ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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