Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
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She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
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I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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