The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
