he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She told me I should be a condom model.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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