I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Randomize
