i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
