Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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