You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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