Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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