apparently the secret to your success is patron
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
