Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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