my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
