Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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