So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize
