Nicole vs. Life
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
