i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
