Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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