I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
