I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
